took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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