Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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