I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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