Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
