wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
