Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
