you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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