Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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