He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
