I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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