well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
