Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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