So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize