just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
