Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The adults are the big ones right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
