Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
True but thats because hes a fetus.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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