I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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