she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
