I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
