what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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