I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The air was thick with penises
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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