Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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