my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
