i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
