I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
