i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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