Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
