got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
