'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize