Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
pop tarts are not kleenex
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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