Tell her she can't have a vagina
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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