I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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