what day is it and did you see me today?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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