Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
