Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
