theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
