I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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