Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
