The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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