Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
