We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
