2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
