no you cant smoke seaweed
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
