I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
