I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
