I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
