i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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