I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
