oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
