dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
