I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
