I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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