a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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