Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just pee around me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
