How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
