we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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