If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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