You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
