Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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