Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
