so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
