We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
