how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize