well I can't set my house on fire every night
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
