Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Your penis caused this!
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