tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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